Keep tapping that keg!

As I've always said (internally, silently, to only myself), there is no point in switching to water as a long night at a bar, club, or party wears on into the wee hours of the morning. No matter what your friends and the bar owner are telling you, you are doing juuuuust fine on round 11 and can definitely still bust a move on the dance floor. Those half-open eyes and hangdog look? Sultry. Your invitations to all wallflowers - regardless of attractiveness or availability - to come dance? Good old fashioned friendliness. Definitely no need to stop drinking!

At long last, the evidence supports all lushes' claims: water can be just as bad for you as the hard stuff. Recent reports show traces of antibiotics, hormones, and several types of drugs in the nation's drinking water. So chances are, when you switch to water, you are getting yourself some serious drug-laced H2O that will warp your mind forever (a slight exaggeration for my blogmatic purposes is totally allowed... I am not actually a paranoid freak.)! Doesn't that sound a lot worse than a Miller Lite? But, hmm... it's calorie-free.

Nevermind. Switch to water. No such thing as a water gut.