New Business Venture

I've discovered a need in the Star City and I think it could be a multi-million dollar enterprise. There are apparently no stores that sell adequate "protection" (for lack of a better term that will not get me creepy google hits... thanks for the tip Amanda). Every girl I know in Roanoke is pregnant. Ok not every one, but most of them. It's so many it's ridiculously freaky. I mean, I go on one girl's myspace page to look at her cute pregnant belly pictures, and there are like 4 more pregnant high-school classmates on there. So I click on their pages, and lo and behold, all their friends are pregnant, too. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if guys there started turning up pregnant. You people do know that when they say, "There must be something in the water" it's just an expression, right?

*On a side note, for those of you who are expecting, please know that I am very, very sincerely happy for you! And those of you who might be pregnant but haven't told me yet (because hello the chances of that seem to be about 100% right now) - don't hesitate to do so because I will then be extremely happy for you, too. But seriously... get your husbands/boyfriends/brothers/male coworkers to pee on a stick, ASAP.

The Joys of Sleep... which I am certifiably good at

I have slept off my bad mood and awakened on the other side to a beautiful Friday that is filled with a paycheck, service day at work, post-"Lost" enthusiasm, and two days of no plans stretching ahead of me. Hallelujah!

I forgot to mention to you cyber-friends that I passed my sleep test with almost-flying colors. So I do not have to do any further sleep tests, use a creepy breathing machine, or any such thing. And the little doctor's so cute I just want to pinch his cheeks! Much better than my last doctor, who I wanted to punch in the cheek. Repeatedly.

Finally, to those of you who are "Lost" fans... seriously, what is the complaining about? No I do not want to join your "Lost used to be cool but now it is sucky and I'm whiny because I wasted an hour watching it" Facebook groups. "Lost" last night was awesome and I'm already psyched for next week! You're just in Charlie withdrawal.

Argh!

I am in an incredibly bad mood right now. My positive self-talk is not helping. Any ideas??

I have a bone to pick with you!

I had to refrain from making this title dirtier (I'll let your imaginations roam on that one). But seriously - what the hell, people? I find it hard to believe that every single one of you has simply 'forgotten' to alert me to the fact that I need to tune in to American Idol to see these male beauties. I tend to think instead that you are purposefully trying to keep me away from my true soulmate: 17 year old David Archuleta.

Ok, about half the guys in the top 20 or whatever it's down to now are really good-looking. It is seriously stressful to decide a favorite. But just when I thought, "Whew, this next one won't need my obsessive attention," he would say something ridiculously obsession-worthy, such as, "I am addicted to crossword puzzles" or "I'm from Nigeria and can't stop smiling." Then there's the one who's good-looking but has way too much attitude. I thought I could avoid loving him because, as my mom taught me, 'pretty is as pretty does,' and his ego pretty much blew that one away - but no, then he sings, and he's great. So now I'm obsessed with him, too. There is literally one person who does nothing for me. No, two.

But then... aah... comes the one who trumps them all: David Archuleta. I have not been watching American Idol steadily this year, but I did somehow catch him singing at one point or another in the process prior to last night, so I was aware that my true love does exist somewhere out there. However, last night was the final straw: I have come to terms with the fact that I will have to move to Utah and marry someone 10 years younger than me, and that we may have some crap to put up with from people about that. It's all worth it... Paula step back, David's mine. Stop laughing, I'm totally serious. Well, not totally... but maybe by next week I will be.

Quoteworthy

On the guy who my parents want to set me up with, in response to the fact that he is in the habit of emailing me only once every week or two:

"This is pointless. Tell him to stop wasting your bandwidth." ~ Megan

Lesson #543295

Pull the hell UP! Here's what I can no longer handle: drivers who don't pull up to the cars in front of them at red lights. You see those boxy strips in the pavement - the ones you stop just short of? Those trigger the light. Pull the hell UP!

Sorry. Predictable byproduct of riding 4 hours with my mother this weekend. To all of you who were behind us in the left lane going 35 in a 45 because somewhere in the next 20 miles we were supposed to turn left, I apologize.

There's Something About Lauren

Yesterday morning I woke up in a strange bed with all kinds of gook in my hair. It took two shampoos and a condition to get it all out and was way too horrible-looking to be able to stop for coffee on the way back to my house. I thought about making a TSAM hairstyle with it but didn't really want to touch it. Grossed out yet? I shall explain. (On a side note, that's the second time I've said "shall" today... not sure why.)

Wednesday night, I had to do a sleep test at the hospital. I've been having some sleep issues and if this test can't figure them out, I don't know what will! Not only did they attach 8 electrodes to the back of my head (hence the gook), but there were about 20 wires on every other part of my body, and they watched me sleep on a creepy Big Brother-esque video camera. If that mental image doesn't get you through the Friday-at-work doldrums, I've got nothin for ya. It was actually a teensy bit fun. No results back yet, but I'm not too worried... I've been practicing for this test every night for about 27 years.

Coffee & Cigarettes

I'm drinking a cup of coffee right now. Not too exciting, right? But here's my idea that is so wrong it just might be right: U.S. Big Business is trying to make coffee the new cigarette, and it's totally working.

The thing is, I don't know if I really need or want this cup of coffee. But I'm used to having one in the morning - it helps me wake up and also just adds something sweet to the morning office routine. On the weekends, I rarely make myself coffee, and even at work where it is free for the taking, I only have one cup. I like the taste of coffee, but not all of the time. Point being, why do I always drink it? Anyone who has been to my office knows that it's certainly not to impress anyone or to appear older or more professional in any way. Such habits are not given much credit here in the holler.

Coffee addictions are similar to cigarette addictions in many ways: you need one to start your day or don't function well until you have one; it's comforting and relaxing; the smell of others partaking makes you want one; the caffeine is addicting but not so bad that your family's signing you up for rehab; drinking it keeps you up with your peers, and going to get one gives you a great excuse for a work break. Coffee breaks tend to be the same length as cigarette breaks and give you a similar boost to get back to work.

Hear me out: America wants us addicted to coffee. How else can BB get the $3-$4 a day previous generations spent carelessly on a pack of cigarettes every day besides to give us a new $4 a day addiction? We spend millions of dollars a year on this little luxury that most of us consider fairly harmless. You just wait... in 15 years our kids will watch old sitcoms and say, "I can't believe that mom is drinking coffee in front of her kids!" and "That guy is drinking coffee inside his car - gross!" They'll start making those MTV "Truth" commercials about Starbucks instead of Philip Morris, and the next thing you know there will be a coffee-drinking section at your favorite breakfast diner. Think there's no comparison in the coffee world for second-hand smoke? Obviously you have never had a skeezy boss breathing over you with coffee breath (I can safely say that on here since my boss doesn't even drink coffee).

Thoughts? Go discuss it around your water cooler... or coffee carafe.

It's gone too far

"It" being my obsession with checking guys' IDs upon meeting them. I don't know why I developed this habit, and it has certainly proved useful in some circumstances - i.e. for stalking unsuspecting prey back in the day (although frankly, if they don't suspect something when I scrutinize their IDs after a few beverages, perhaps they are not quick enough to be stalk-worthy in the first place).

Still, the intersection of this not-so-cool ritual and my unapologetic obsession with good spelling brought things to a screeching halt for some young'uns who thought they could prove themselves viable matches for me and my 26/27 year old cohorts at extreme bowling Saturday night. (By the way, extreme bowling does not involve helmets, bungee cords, or harnesses of any type, much to our mixed dismay/relief.) An insistent young man (emphasis on "young") kept saying to us that he was indeed 21, to the point where I, of course, demanded to see some ID. The ID was quite convincing, except for one major flaw: the misspelling of a popular street name in Richmond. Seriously? You can't pick a street that you know how to spell? Perhaps... gasp... your own street?

Rejected. We all know I don't reject cute boys based on age. Can't spell your street name on your fake ID? You're OUT.

To quote H.C. Bailley...

WTF?

After sending out an email to my pals about the reinstatement of this blog, I realized I had no male friends on the list. None. Nada! Family and exes aside, I really don't keep in touch with many guys. I am amazed at this discovery and feel that I must rectify this situation ASAP (that's "as soon as possible" for those of you who aren't bloggers like me)... (that was a joke for those of you who have forgotten my sense of humor). Unfortunately, in Lynchburg I think we're not allowed to socialize with the opposite sex between the hours of 9 am and 8:59 am. wait a minute...

Back on the Blogwagon

I've decided it's time to grow up, be a man, and start blogging again. Well, at least start blogging again. Whatever. Sorry for the year and a half lapse, and even sorrier that I have no exciting time-consuming excuses for it that I can now write many thrilling blogs about for you!

Life has been good, life is good, life will be good. Lots of changes coming up as I move to Richmond in a month or two and find a new job. Any ideas, hit me up.

But for now, I am still located in ye old holler. I have, to date, not become hollerized. Since my last blog, I have done many inappropriate things. However, since I am once again having to dip my toe into the blog waters to test their temperature, you'll have to let me warm up to get back to revealing absurd things about myself for your amusement.