Going to the movies: not that hard

Hilarious people are just everywhere I go. Everywhere!

I went to the $1 theater Saturday afternoon, and behind me in line were 2 retarded people. Of course I do not mean literally retarded, or A) I would not call them retarded and B) I would not be making fun of them; but because they somehow narrowly escape the actual technical definition of retardation, I am allowed to make fun of them on the www. This is how my mind works.

Anyhow, I'm standing in line to get my ticket, and they're behind me - a lady and someone who is either her son or grandson. He announces that he wants to see "College Road Trip," and they start looking for it on the marquis. Well, the $1 theater is a second-run theater, so of course it's not there yet. They realize this and both affirm it, making a second choice pick. Well, lo and behold, I'm about to walk in after purchasing my ticket, and I hear them ask for two tickets to "College Road Trip!" WTF? Then they are shocked when the guy says it's not there yet.

THEN... because I realize this is a lame story so far... they prove their retardation by coming inside, bypassing the two concessions lines of 10+ people each, and going up to an unmanned cash register with their cash out, expecting to order their Milkduds. Seriously? The rest of us are not just standing in line for fun. People are dumb!

At least I LOOK sweet & innocent

Last night a group of us went out to Texas Roadhouse after the YP mixer. When we started ordering beer, the waitress jumped a little and said, "Wow, I had you all pegged for Liberty students!" Totally weird, but we post-grads all enjoyed it, since our ages were 24-31. And I'd like to take a minute to once again thank God that I did not go to a college that involved NOT ordering beer at a restaurant. Poor chilluns! The only reason we might not have ordered beer at a UVA restaurant is if we had a flask of something better in our purse. Am I right?

Today is a day I have been looking forward to for what seems like forever: FRIDAY. Woohoo!

Here's my question...

How long do you think I can disappear into one of the office bathrooms before someone disturbs me? I can think of no other way to spend the next 2 hours. This day is sooooooo long!

Let's form a committee!

There's a societal problem that needs to be addressed: old people having access to computers. You probably think I'm about to go on a typical liberal rant about how they, too, should have the ability to surf the net, blog, and - whaddaheck, as our Bosnian sister used to say - sign up for MySpace. No, friends, no. They need to be cut OFF from this medium. They're driving me nuts!

My grandpa is out of control. He can't hear well, see well, or control his bladder well, but he can DEFINITELY send forwards extremely well. I mean, he's the sweetest man on earth, but that doesn't mean I want him to email me pictures of my great-uncle's neighbor's daughter's trip to Antarctica in a convenient PowerPoint format. An occasional email to say "hello" is nice, and I'm glad he has fun staying connected with his (and my) family scattered around the States. But the computer befuddles him. Every time I'm there, he wants me to "fix" something on it... which usually ends up meaning just pushing an on/off button on the CPU, monitor, or speakers. And my poor uncle... he's practically on call in order to keep Grandpa's forward-machine up and running. Thankfully, neither of my grandmothers touches computers.

This is one of those situations where I'll stick to my guns that good old fashioned snail mail is best - even if it surfaces as creepy cards with kittens and puppies on them from well-intentioned old folks who think their granddaughter's still 12.

Spring Break '08! Woohoooooo!

I'm in withdrawal from Spring Break. 'Wait a minute,' you're thinking. 'Where did she go and why hasn't this been mentioned before?' Well, folks - I went to the Bahamas. And London. And the Bahamas again. Yes, these Spring Breaks were years ago, but I am in a serious withdrawal from them in '08.

Can we start a trend where it's normal and even expected for mid- to late- 20-somethings to go on rowdy Spring Break trips each March? Yeah, yeah, I know I can take vacation days and go on some pansy-ass trip with the one or two friends I could possibly convince to take off at the same time and spend some $$$. But that's not what I mean. I'm talking about the Spring Break trips where alllll your friends are going, no question, and you're getting some crazy "all-inclusive" deal that means you will drink as many Bahama Mamas as is physically possible, go scuba-diving even though you're afraid for your life, and hop on a banana boat due to lack of brain function from the aforementioned Bahama Mamas... all because it's already paid for.

I don't want to be at work. I don't want to have a job. I do want to have a paycheck. I do want to go dancing. I think I'm having an existential crisis.

What do Wii think?

Friends, it's happened: I have beaten Tetris. Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but I just love playing Tetris. I used to play it on the computer, and then one of my Boston friends got me a Gameboy with Tetris for Christmas one year, and ever since I just can't stop playing it. Whenever D'Lynn and I are just watching TV (except during "Lost," which I focus on), I have to be doing something else at the same time - either doing something on the computer, working a crossword puzzle, or playing Tetris. She makes fun of me about it, but I do not care, as is evident by the fact that I have been playing obsessively enough to finally reach level 15 and conquer this game (which I realize is geared towards 10 year old boys).

The point is... what now? Sure, it's still fun to play; but now part of the challenge is gone. I have at least one other game for it, maybe two, but nothing's as fun as Tetris... nothing, that is, except THE WII. Should I splurge? Of course the people who live in the apartment below me probably wouldn't appreciate that. Maybe I should just try to make friends with someone who has one. Hmm. I think I'll go ahead and put this decision on a front burner. After all, it is obviously more important than moving/housing/job decisions.

Remember back when it snowed?

Like... yesterday?

It definitely poured snow for about 5 minutes in Roanoke last night while I ate dinner with my family. Mom's kitchen table is right by a big window, so my 2-year-old niece freaked out! She was standing on her chair exclaiming, "Let's go make a snowman!" Finally she convinced Big Chuck to take her out there and play hide and seek to make up for the lack of snow accumulation. We spoil this child way too much, but have you seen her? You will be proud to know I did resist her demands that I get in the bathtub with her last night. Um, no thanks.

I'm back in The Big Island today and not motivated at all for this week's work. Can't events just plan themselves?

I'm trying, I really am!

I am unfocusable, unconcentratable, and totally restless... so much so that I just made up 2 out of those 3 adjectives and do not even care that I am putting them out there on the www (as I like to call it). I'm sorry! I cannot sleep this week, either. What is UP? I just can't stop thinking... mostly about good things, though, which is nice. :)

I hope those of you who celebrate Easter had a great one. Mine was nice and peaceful. I came to Roanoke Saturday afternoon and am actually still here, since I didn't have to work today and my sister and niece are in town. It's been nice visiting with family, even though my bro couldn't come down. Of course there are always "my family is crazy" stories, but again I just can't focus enough to tell a good tale right now. Heehee.

I'll reconvene the blogging attempt sometime soon..................... maybe even later today.

My Oldness

Maybe "oldness" isn't a word, but "my age" just doesn't quite cover it. The truth is, I can no longer hang. Remember in college when we would go out all the time, and everyone made fun of me because before anyone else was even awake the next day, I would wake up and write 15 page papers? Yeah... gone, gone, gone are those days. I'm like immobile after going out now. My stomach will never be the same. [Sigh.] It's as if my body wants me to grow up or something.

FLO-RIDA

What's the title of this blog - a U.S. state or a hip hop band? Well, my friends, it's both. When I first became obsessed with the song "Low," I was surprised when my car radio flashed across that the singer was Florida. What a dumb name, I thought. Why not Mississippi or New Hampshire? Then the lightbulb came on (ok, the DJ) and clarified that it is spelled Flo Rida and pronounced Flow Rida (as in Rider). Aaaaaaaah, got it.

I happily discovered a retro-looking coffee mug in the back of one of our office cupboards (certainly a genuine 70's artifact, knowing this place) that says "FLORIDA" across it with rainbows and palm trees. I'm using it now... to represent.

I deluded myself into thinking that the singer Flo Rida must not have realized that he in fact named himself Florida... until last night. There's a new spot on MTV featuring none other than Flo Rida himself as he explains that, well, he's from Florida, he likes to flow, and he likes to ride. Whodathunkit.

Por favor! (and by that I mean "Thank you")

Dear people of Big Island,
Thank you for not letting the burgblog readership down last night.
-theburgblogger

True to form, we spotted not just a mullet at the funeral home, but a mullet-mohawk combo... and on a 65 year old, no less. I was going to add a graphic to this blog to illustrate the supreme coolness of this style, but it's taking too long.* I will tackle that one another time. Anyhow, I'm sure your imaginations can take you where this hairstyle goes... or perhaps you've had the good fortune of seeing a mullhawk yourself.

As for the subject line, I was trying to impress our Mexican waiter last night and kept messing up the few Spanish phrases I know. Finally I said very smugly as we walked out the door, "Por favor! I know that one" and he looked all confused and said, "That means please." Yeah definitely meant to say "Gracias." As David Archuleta would say, "Dangit!"

*To clarify, I did not take a picture at the visitation. Who do you people think I am? I just googled for a good picture of the aforementioned hair "style."

Givin' her the evil eye

I've recently noticed that I glare at my computer frequently. Whenever it pisses me off, I give it this look that is definitely meant for human interaction. I wish it would respond. Since our internet connection at work royally sucks, I do this quite often. Odd. Yet another reason to vote myself off the Big Island soon before I really lose it.

Tonight I'm going to my former work assistant's father's funeral. This is not fun at all; however, Megan and I are determined to make it cheerier by stopping by my favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner first to see my non-English speaking waiter of a boyfriend. This guy is seriously cute. Perhaps tonight I will learn his name. Mmm... he makes me hungry. That's "hungry," you dirty-minded reader.

Big Island funerals are sad, of course, but not un-blogworthy. I fully expect to see a trendy hairstyle or fashion alert which I will happily pass on to you tomorrow. Going to dinner in the area doubles my chances of priceless Big Islander interaction. What did you do before you had me to tell you the latest trends coming out of Big Island? I bet you dressed like a total idiot.

Speaking of which, the other day I watched part of an episode of "What Not to Wear" (again, not in control of the remote) and I was horrified by the advice of the experts. The girl they were "helping" was totally cute and dressed appropriately for her job as a Kindergarten teacher. Sure, she had a Mickey Mouse T-shirt in her closet, but is that really enough of a crime to make her go on national tv in a horrifying zig-zag dress with neon blue heels? Poor child. My fashion sense? Follow your own style, even if it's a lack thereof.

Oh boy

It has been discovered that Lynchburg does in fact know how to properly celebrate St. Patrick's Day.

I would write more, but I might get sick if I mentally rehash last night's events and green consumables again. Suffice it to say that the night was quite pleasant, quite pleasant indeed.

Lynchburg: Putting the "Saint" in St. Patrick's Day

My roommate wants to go out for green beer tonight. You know me, you know I'm down for this. However, I will not believe that Lynchburgers (that's what I'm naming us... probably incorrectly, but I like cheeseburgers) celebrate St. Patrick's Day correctly (i.e., with drink) until I see it. Gone are the Boston days of going to the South End for real St. Patrick's Day parades with people hanging out of windows, running shirtless through the streets even though it's 20 degrees outside, and hitting up every REAL Irish pub in town until closing time (or after).

Hope you're celebrating in style! I'll be sure to let you know if the Saints come marching in the Burg or not, sometime on the flip side.

Lesson #43530975

When I call you down the hall to say, "There's a wasp in my office," the proper response is an enthusiastic, "Oh dear! I'll be right there to take care of it!" - NOT "Oh, yeah, I saw that in there last week."

Megan is my faithful insect-rodent-lizard remover... and thus, my hero. I shall allow her this slip-up.

Trying to sustain brain function

... while my roommate watches "The Real Desperate Housewives" go shopping. [Sigh.]

I'm back from Roanoke. It was a nice weekend of relaxing, but I never felt up to staying up past 11:00, much less going out on the town, so I was forced into good behavior for lack of anything else to do. Friday I stayed home sick and slept until 3:40 pm. Who does that?

Anyway, about my last post: I retract the statement that all of you would enjoy "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" at some point in your life. I do think many of you would. However, I realized that with this book I was acting like my brother does with his music - that because he loves it, everyone else will, too; and trust me, that is NOT the case. Over and over, he makes me listen to some new band that is just absolutely awful in my opinion. Books are for me what music is to many people. I can take or leave music and generally like at least half of what's on the radio at any given time. It is a bonus for me, a soundtrack - for many people it is lifeblood. I accidentally like good bands sometimes, and I totally respect and obsess over great lyrics - but to me that is verging over into my arena, reading/writing. I will readily admit that I have pretty bad music taste overall.

Ok I'm rambling, but basically some of you wouldn't like "EL and IC." The thing that sucks about rambling on a blog is that my freaking computer is being annoying so it is taking a full second to produce each letter I type, making corrections incredibly slow, too. Argh. So I quit. See ya later when I have something funny to say.

Oh, I did get my hair cut this weekend - short. Entertain yourself imagining what it looks like.

A Damn Good Book

Have any of you discovered Jonathan Safran Foer yet? He wrote "Everything is Illuminated" a few years ago, which I read and thought was totally awesome. I mean, not awesome as in I recommended it to a few friends - awesome as in I can still picture his headshot on the back page, in that little white tshirt looking all geeky and cute and delectable. I am waiting for him to get divorced so that he can realize that I am actually the one for him; and I'm not even kidding about that, as horrible and ill-wishing as it sounds.

A while ago, I picked up the book to re-read it and found it completely impossible. I literally could not get through the first few pages. Then they made it a movie, and at the end I couldn't tell if it was one of my favorite movies or one of the worst movies I'd ever seen. I'm still not sure about that.

So when he came out with his second book, "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close," I hurried to buy it at the bookstore ('cause you know I was on the I'm-obsessed-with-this-author email list to receive an update when book 2 was published). Didn't do it. Didn't buy it! Waited for 4 years to get the next look into JSF's ingeniousness and then left it on the shelf. I picked it up and flipped to the first page - the page that generally determines if I will read a book, that's how I do it - and I thought it was awful. Then I flipped through and saw all the pictures and diagrams and just refused to buy it. This is in part due to my being a total cheapskate; however, I even rejected it later at the library.

I'm telling you all this to explain why you should venture over to the "F" section (it's under Foer, not Safran Foer) in your B&N or library (if you don't have a library card, you might be literally retarded... libraries are one of the best things about our society today - but that's for another blog). You will pick up "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" and put it back. That's ok... after all, it's what I did at least 5 times on different days. But eventually, the first page will strike your fancy, and you will give it a shot. It will be a weird experience reading this book. But if you've ever lost someone, had a grandma, known someone who's lonely, or been to New York, you will love it - on the right day.

Total Irritation...

... and no, it has nothing to do with the supposed syphilis epidemic (har har).

I came to Roanoke tonight and spent time with my mom and stepdad. Although my mom comes from a family of fairly liberal po' white Democrats, I am still one of the more liberal ones in the fam. My stepdad - well he's quite conservative and Republican. What to do? Well for the 15 years they've been married, I tend to just avoid talking to him about politics (for some years, I tried avoiding talking to him at all - but that didn't work out too well since we lived under the same roof).

Tonight, he goes there. Where, you ask? To Trinity UCC, otherwise known as Barack Obama's church, circa 2001 and then 2003, on a seemingly innocent ride home from going to see a movie with the two PUnits. He just has to bring up the controversial statements that Obama's now retired pastor said 5 flippin years ago. But the thing that kills me is the way he argues (my stepdad, not the pastor). I mean, know what you're talking about before you get into it, you know? This is my own problem, so I'm not throwing stones - one of the reasons I rarely talk politics is because I never feel educated enough to do so. I just don't trust the media to educate me sufficiently even when I do put forth the effort to do some research.

Ugh... I'm just so annoyed with him!!!!!!!! So now I have spent my Friday night on YouTube and various news websites clarifying my man's positions. And I said it once and will say it again - I certainly hope no one unearths any of MY preacher's comments and blasts them all over the internet as representative of my own, because about 1 out of 3 statements he says I disagree with wholeheartedly... I just like that he makes me think.

Have a different political opinion than me? Fine - many of my closest friends and family members do. You are even welcome to bring it up with me and have a nice little conversation. But bring up arguments and rule out context, source, and relevance? Nah... not going to work with me.

I hope to be better humored tomorrow... Sorry to not give you a laugh on this read (unless you are laughing AT me, in which case, screw you!) :) just kidding, my darlings.

That's My Kind of Farmer

Ah, happy farmers... something I will undoubtedly miss about my job.

On our way back from lunch just now, we passed a farmer driving a tractor down the road. He gave us a big smile, got out of our way, and even saluted us with his can of Miller Lite.

Gotta love Big Island!

Mystery Fruit

To prevent my stomach's growls from disrupting the company's internet signal, as they are getting that loud, I am snacking on a deliciously juicy tangelo. Sadly, I must admit that I purchased said tangelo from Walmart on Tuesday, not a local farmer. I had to go buy coffee for the company - our one free perk here at the office (pun intended, congratulate yourself if you caught it), and I chose Walmart for the cheap price. This is such a conundrum: I know shopping at Walmart is bad for small businesses, but then I also wanted to save SoSA money since - as some of you know - we keep costs low to provide food for 2 cents a serving. What to do?!

Anyway, the point is... at Walmart, underneath the tangelos, there was a kind of fruit I'd never seen before. I looked up at the sign to see what it was, and it said "Mystery Fruit." Now is that a real type of fruit, or should I add incompetency to my "cons" list for shopping at Walmart?

FYI, Angela An I am expecting an answer to this question.

Ooooooooklahoma!

I just learned where Oklahoma is. I definitely thought it was way farther West and North. I was researching farms for this camp in Arkansas and thought, "Huh, I didn't know there was more than one Tulsa in the U.S." Come to find out, it's Tulsa... THE Tulsa. Next to Arkansas! Wack.

Thought you'd like to know that, in addition to misspelling a word in my last blog, I have little to no geographic skills.

Hells PLURAL yeah!!

Many of you burgblog readers spend Tuesday nights watching "The Biggest Loser." Even more of you spend them watching "American Idol." I hope you're ready for this blog to rock your world and change your routine.

Change the channel to the WB at 8 pm on Tuesdays. Last night was the season premiere of "Beauty and the Geek," which I have liked for several seasons and am now recommending to you. This season they're switching it up to where the girls are vs. the guys (beauties vs. geeks), and truthfully I'm not a fan of the switch - usually it is a beauty paired with a geek and the whole point is they have to learn to see each other's strong points and become more accepting of each other in order to win. I think they switched this up for ratings on catfights, which started last night, since the girls no longer have any incentive to be nice to each other.

Still, this show is supremely awesome. The cast of characters is just uniquely hilarious and lovable (loveable? dunno). Last night when it was getting started, the host said, "Guys, are you ready to meet the beauties?" and this one guy yelled out, "Hells PLURAL yeah!" I'm planning to steal this catchphrase.

AI and TBL are addictive shows, I'll give you that. But two hours of Fox TV for Idol means at least 40 minutes of commercials. Next Tuesday, give it a flip to the WB. After all, you really only need to see David Archuleta sing anyway.

Editor's Notes

In looking over my blog, I notice two things:

1) I use a lot of exclamation points. Sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (haha.)

2) Sometimes my life sounds like it involves a lot of men and booze. This is not the case. It involves very little of either. I still have the same half bottle of tequila at my house from summer '06 margarita night and at least 12 beers are still in my fridge from last September. So..... don't get any wild ideas about me. I have no semblance at all of the life my mom apparently thinks I lead (and no, she does not read my blog... that I know of). I may have been nicknamed "Snogger" (ok, and worse) at certain phases in my life, but I am still the pure, innocent Southern lady-in-training you all know and love. Well, almost.

That said, if anyone wants to up my men and booze factor, I'm all for it! ;)

Keep tapping that keg!

As I've always said (internally, silently, to only myself), there is no point in switching to water as a long night at a bar, club, or party wears on into the wee hours of the morning. No matter what your friends and the bar owner are telling you, you are doing juuuuust fine on round 11 and can definitely still bust a move on the dance floor. Those half-open eyes and hangdog look? Sultry. Your invitations to all wallflowers - regardless of attractiveness or availability - to come dance? Good old fashioned friendliness. Definitely no need to stop drinking!

At long last, the evidence supports all lushes' claims: water can be just as bad for you as the hard stuff. Recent reports show traces of antibiotics, hormones, and several types of drugs in the nation's drinking water. So chances are, when you switch to water, you are getting yourself some serious drug-laced H2O that will warp your mind forever (a slight exaggeration for my blogmatic purposes is totally allowed... I am not actually a paranoid freak.)! Doesn't that sound a lot worse than a Miller Lite? But, hmm... it's calorie-free.

Nevermind. Switch to water. No such thing as a water gut.

My mom is losing it!

My mom left me a voicemail that warned me that there's an epidemic of syphilus going around Lynchburg. This is wrong on so many levels. I am speechless (but not blogless).

It smells like MAN up in here!

There's a man visiting our office who smells like my 10th grade boyfriend. I guess he has some throwback cologne on. Sadly, he is an old married pastor with a family, not in fact my 10th grade boyfriend come to reconcile with me.

This brings me to another oddly relevant point. For some reason, I thought of said boyfriend the other day for the first time in ages (after all, 10th grade was 11 years ago... how scary is that?). This guy totally cheated on me, which ended our relationship, and looking back it seems that I could not have cared less. I don't remember ever being mad at him or even fully realizing the fact that he cheated on me. It's not like he tricked me; I just really think I didn't care. Granted, it was 10th grade and a few-months relationship, so it's not like we're talking Divorce Court here; but still! Why wasn't I pissed off? All I remember is him telling me that this girl (one of the girls a year younger than us who I affectionately referred to as "sophomore skanks" when they hit HS) said she wanted to see his dad's pet bird (this is not a euphemism) and then when they got in the room she took her shirt off. Seriously, this is only now sounding strange to me. What planet was I on? My trips down Memory Lane have got some serious day trips on the side.

Uh oh... the pastor's heading this way. Hold me back!

A few good hours with Denzel

I'm not sure I've ever done as much of nothing as I have done this weekend... and it has felt good! My stupid car problems prevented me from trekking to Virginia Beach for Beth's bridal shower, which was not cool. Plus, I was too lazy yesterday to take my car to get checked out, so it will probably start acting up again this week and piss me off. But being home alone and stayed in pjs most of the weekend turned out to be great for me. Hopefully all the rest will get me more geared up for work this week so I stop slacking!

While the rest of you were out socializing this weekend, I managed to watch about 40 hours of tv, including: part of the "Beauty & the Geek" marathon, "The Birds" (reminisced about that night at Kristi's in 7th grade, for those of you who remember that), "Bring it On Again" (who can resist these cheerleader movies?? they are my kryptonite), "Training Day," "Monk," "The Kite Runner," and at least two more movies that I can't remember right now.* You know it's bad when you watch so many movies in one day that you can't remember what you watched... a full two hours of your life is just unaccounted for. I also read and napped quite a bit.

I hope the rest of you had a great weekend, too!

*Add to that list "Anger Management," "The Waterboy," part of "Meet the Parents," and "Rudy." Instead of forgetting 2 hours of my life, apparently I forgot approximately 7.

I'm typing so vastly!

What? That makes no sense, right? Neither does this: "Reunions weekend is vastly approaching!" Seriously, UVa? Obviously there are no English majors on the Reunions committee - and perhaps no English speakers.

But now that the topic is brought up... who's going to Reunions in June, and who's going to Foxfield next month? I haven't decided on either but am leaning towards Foxfield if I do only one. More booze, less money, more my style. But really - let me know because I tend to flake out if there are no actual plans. You have my permission to opt for email instead of comments on this one without me calling you lame to your face. :)

Have a super weekend!

Newsflash: 15 people work here.

I'm sorry to say that I am in a bad mood again this morning. My car is having issues, which of course started approximately an hour after I was thinking, "Wow, my car never has issues." Kiss of freaking death! Anyway this is a big problem since I'm supposed to go to Virginia Beach tonight. [Sigh.]

However, Megan was still able to get a huge laugh out of me just now. We have these people in our office who bring in cakes, cookies, brownies, cinnamon rolls, and donuts all the freaking time. (Shut up about the "freaking"... it's my blog and I can freak if I want to.) That is why most of us at this hunger relief organization ironically look a little overfed (although don't get me started on overweight truly hungry people, because I will set your asses STRAIGHT!). Anyway, the treats are sometimes a godsend and sometimes (more often) temptations sent from the fiery pits of hell. There are 15 of us in the office, so it's pretty easy to feed everyone with one batch of cookies, one cake, whatever... except this one guy likes to bring in a box of donuts with only 2 left in it. As in, leftover from his house or another party or something. Megan just brought to my attention that he did it again today. Isn't that weird? At least it's good for a laugh... better for the abs than a donut would be anyway.

p.s. also shut up about my sentence fragments and my lack of continuity in title capitalization.

Hunt me down with your super technology, MC!

Let's talk about song lyrics for a minute. Has anyone heard the new Mariah Carey song "Touch My Body"? This song cracks me up. First of all, YouTube should never be mentioned in a song. Ever. This is like back when N'Sync came up with a song called "Email Me" or "IM Me" or something. See how I don't remember? Yeah that's because those words shouldn't be in a song. They instantly ban your song, and possibly your whole CD, from becoming classics. I seriously doubt that when we're 60 our "oldies" stations will be playing any songs involving newfangled technological concepts that have long since passed. It's like instantly dating yourself and your song.

So Mariah, no one is going to put a video of you on YouTube that you didn't put up there yourself. But the next line is the absolute best and why I can't make myself change the station when this song comes on: if this lil video DOES end up on YouTube, Mariah sings sweetly, "I will hunt you down." So freaking random and hilarious, except I really don't think she's trying to be creepy/funny, which makes it a kazillion times better.

"Oh good, you're back!"

Yesterday morning I dove headfirst into a bad mood and didn't resurface until I woke up this morning. As some of you know, it is best to avoid me when I am in certain moods. Working in a small office, many of my coworkers have learned that lesson the hard way, unfortunately. So today it pretty much cracked me up when, one after another, they caught sight of me smiling in the hallway and said, "Oh good, you're back!" with relief. And that was even before my cup of coffee. Whew!

Hey! That's Mean!

My good friend Angela gave me a Happy 8 Ball for my birthday last year. It's like a Magic 8 Ball, but instead of predicting the future, it gives you compliments. Our personal favorite is, "Your breath is so minty!"

What's not funny is what it keeps telling me today: "Have you lost weight?" Sure it's supposed to be a compliment, but not a nice question when you ate as much as I did this weekend! D'oh.

Plenty of fish in the sea? Not in my sea!!

Okay, let's talk for a minute about how the internet is ruining my life.

Remember in high school when traditional stalking came close to ruining my life because all the hot guys we stalked eventually seemed to pick up on it? (Let's face it, some of us were extremely close to getting restraining orders in 10th grade.) Well, take that near-ruination and multiply it by, say, 300, and you have my dilemma with the internet.

The following sites are ruining my life: myspace, facebook, theknot, roanoke.com, UVa's alumni network page, and every search engine that exists. I seem to have an addiction to torturing myself by looking up old flames or random people every now and then (this addiction gets exponentially worse depending on if I am in a bad mood to start with). Do I ever find out that an ex-boyfriend is making an e-shrine to me and updating it daily with poems written in my honor? No. Instead, every single guy I've ever kissed (again, perhaps an exaggeration, but only slight) is married with a hot wife, cute baby, and freaking white picket fence. Another one bit the dust today. I thought we had something special, guy I wooed at a bar! What the hell? And you people, you frat boys. Didn't it mean anything to you when we made out in the DJ closet at the luau mixer? And you, guy whose last name I can't remember but who I planned to have children with. Why must you be so web-accessible now that you are living the high life and have no need for my life-changing nights of seduction?

Damn you all. And especially you, Al Gore.

Fabuloso!

I am daunted by the task given to me to post a great blog about this weekend, so I have been avoiding blogging at all. Obviously, this will not do. This assignment came from - you guessed it - my readership of 1, Katie Lucas. I am contemplating renaming my blog "Dear Katie." However, you should know that people do in fact read my blog, they just don't post comments on it. How do I know this? People email me comments on my blog to my gmail. Sigh. Some people are such fraidy-cats. Unless you're running for President when you hit 35 (which, for many of us, is all too soon), no one cares what you comment on a blog. No one, that is, except your mom.

Instead of recapping the weekend for you unfortunate souls who were not there to witness the shenanigans first hand, I will list a few pertinent phrases and leave the rest up to your imaginations: wooden elephant, happy birday, baby gates, tupac shirt, tattoo rum, magic stick, the name norman, lamberghini pictures, ghetto related cd, and our future long and foster home. I'm pretty sure that sums it up. In case you haven't guessed yet, I did not end up staying in the Burg this weekend. (Do I ever?)